i know ive been ranting on and on.....

i just dont want to keep stuffs in my heart, it burdens me.

i cried... i just dont understand why my life turns out this way. i am always a happy-go-lucky girl because my life is controlled/planned by my mum. how i really wish i was born in a normal and supportive family like my friends surround me. i am always jealous of my friends. they can talk whatever with their family members, they are good with their siblings, but me... ive nothing. my brothers dont talk stuffs with me, my mum dislikes me, and my dad, he loves me but i kept disappointing him so i cant blame him for not putting hope in me anymore.

i hate her for being so selfish, all she wants is an image. she thinks taking hotel management will drop her image as a high-class woman in front of her moron friends. her friends are all brainless, i despise her friends, fucking despise, their hobby is gossiping and gossiping and gossiping everyone around the world.

bernard called me and he really tried all his best to cheer me up but still.... i feel miserable. luckily i still have him by my side supporting whatever i do. i will be totally lost without him. i know... we cant expect what will happened tomorrow, but i really really really wish that he will never left me. hes the one and only person who i can trust.

bernard advised me that i should just go on with the accountancy course and not arguing with her anymore. and i know i shouldnt ruin my own future because of her so i will rather go on with the account thingy than stop studying(because she wont pay for my fees if i take hospitality course).

from the day i was born, my life is planned to be this way. i couldnt blame anyone. i couldnt make any choices. i swear i will never ever talk to her anymore, i will only talk to her when its an important matter. this half year, i might be staying at home or maybe i will look for a job. in december, i will be repeating the economics paper and take the january intake in kampar for degree. i will not be coming home after i get there unless my dad wants me to go home for a day or two. during semester breaks, i will stay at bernard's house and get a part-time job. as long as she pay for my fees, accommodations, and foods, i dont need her money for anything else. when i graduated from the degree, i will get a proper job and have my own life without her planning anything for me again.

i know what i said seems hilarious, but you will never understand how i felt. if my mum lets me to take the course i like, then i will be happy cause she spares a thought for me but this will never happened if only the world turns rectangular.

will a miracle happens to me?
God decides.