Who dares me to put this photo up in my blog? You know who you are. Hahaha. Ok, I looked damn retarded but this is what we do when we're in the class for too longgggg and the lecture is hell boring lar. Haha, laugh til your balls fall out lar. I dont mind [:

Mmm life has been pretty good lately. Or should I say since yesterday, cos like finally I'm letting go... I admit that he still matters to me but I truly know that it's time for me to move on. I'm actually sad that I have to be rude to him to be able to make him ignore me. That's the only way. I told him he ain't anything to me anymore, I lied.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish him to last long with his girlf anyways. And I really hope that he will appreciate whatever he has now. He will always have a place in my heart for sure. I'm awake and I know I can't keep holding on to something that's not coming back. And I should thanks my friend, Asher for helping me through this. He has been a great friend to me I shall say, good companion, too. Heh :D

Not forgetting my beloved god-brother, Darren! I still remember what he said to me that day when I cried in front of him:

Why do you keep wasting time...he ain't worth it...why do you always say you love him...he ain't worth selling your heart too...why do you respect him...he deserves nothing from you...so tell me why...why..why do you stick around???

Girl: He's just so perfect to me...
Boy: He ain't perfect to you...
Girl: Why do you say so?
Boy: Do he loves you?
Girl: No.
Boy: That's the reason he's not perfect to you.. he don't even love you.
Girl: *speechless*

About my love life, I don't feel like thinking about it. Yes I honestly admit that I'm afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Getting hurt again like that, where it took so much just to make me smile.

I ain't emo-ing now so don't worry guys. Just recalling back lar. The smiling janice is back! *dumbrolls* *smack heads* haha.

I will be shooting my HIV advertisement for my moral assignment this coming Friday. Quite excited yet a bit nervous cos I never acted before, not even the drama held in school. I'm being selected as the main actress by the leader, gosh! How can it be........ haha. Good in a way, too that I can learn to act right? Wow, who knows it will be my future career? Walao eh, think too far le. With this look, how to be hollywood star? Malaysia-wood also no guarantee can enter. Hahaha.

Talking about those peace-peace-trademark that those so-called-cute-girls usually use when they take photo. Got angle angle some more. Should try taking it with that style huh. I tried it out for only the peace sign but then FAILED ;

--------------
-----
---
-

TA DA!


Was laughing all the way. Bullshiit.




This is our model of the day - Priscilla. She surely will kick my ass if she saw this. Nancy, your lecture is damn bloody fucking effing boring until we can think of anything to keep us awake. I tried my best to listen to your lecture cos I don't want to fail my food science but then your sleepy eyes really make me yawn. Your lecture is like a lullaby. Mmm not criticizing or what lar. I believe everyone from my class agree with me.

People sorry for not replying your tags. Lazy lar :D
Thanks for the ones who has been concerning about me since day one.

Suddenly no mood to blog d. After I met him, I have mood swing. Sigh,



Bye!

Oh ya before I go,




Try out this - Goldinuniverse. I saw this interesting thingy from Nicholas' blog and I tried it out. It seems so real man.

Have you ever bothered to realize how much you mean to me,
I care so much for you inside and miss you so deeply,
My mind is always so curious about the way things might have been,
As days go by and times go on I look back once again,
On those times you took me right into your arms,
I felt so safe and special,
You comforting me with all your charm,
Every little kiss from you was like a dream come true,
This love I have inside my heart it all belongs to you,
Its funny all those little things I never thought Id miss,
Like those little conversations we had,
Or the first time we kissed,
I guess what Im trying to tell you is I miss you more each day,
It hurts me to know that Im just a friend for you now,
I want you to understand that I liked you from the start,
And I want you to know no matter what,
Youll always have place in my heart,
I wish I had a picture of us together,
To remind me of how I thought forever,
Was more than just a word we said,
I can never get you out of my head,
I find myself thinking of you all the time,
And I wonder if loving you is such a crime,
I know that I messed up and made mistakes,
But I still think we have what it takes,
To overcome the things weve done,
Maybe we could even bring out the sun,
Though Im forgetting that you dont really care,
If only love wasnt so unfair,
I sit at home these days on my own,
With a heart heavy and cold as stone,
In my room on the sofa listening to songs that make me cry,
I sit there and long for a reason why,
I always have to be so alone,
And Im always holding my cellphone,
Wanting to text you but not being able to do so,
You did text me almost every night,
But Im still missing you,
Wishing I could tell you how much I miss you,
Not that kind of miss that I havent seen you in a while,
But that kind of miss that I wish you were here at this very moment,
Always wondering if youre okay,
Hoping that youll be happy everyday,
I wish I could be the one that made you happy,
But I guess that will never come to be,
I just want to see you smile again,
I will never forget the times we had,
I know theyll make me happy and sad,
I will remember those times in the locker room,
When everyone used to watch us,
Because we acted so crazy together,
And made each other feel better,
I will remember those times in your apartment,
You would always tickle me to make me smile,
You made my life seems worthwhile,
Now all I have left of you is these memories,
To go with those sad little love stories,
And it is all my fault,
I know that Im far from being perfect to you,
Somehow I have been tricked,
Into believing I was something more,
And once again Ive hit the floor,
Worthless and a waste of space,
I wish I could tear off my face,
I was never good enough for you,
Everyone else knew that it was true,
I didnt deserve you at all,
Now Im taking my hardest ever fall.

You made me a joke,
& I made you my everything...........

I went to Leisure Mall with Bernard today and I bought the same phone model again with the same color. Wanted to get the purple which is a limited edition but then the purple ones got some problem occuring lar. Fuck. Its damn chun k.

Hmm.. why I didnt get myself w580i. I felt like getting it at first, really. Then the dealer which is a friend of mine told me that s500i is actually more worth than w580i cos s500i got two speaker while w580i got only one. And the whole function for both the phone is exactly the same. Only the shake shake thingy lar. LOL!

Praying hard that my phone wont lost again.

Well, hows my day? Not bad not good. I'm getting abit annoyed by someone. He might be reading this, he might not be reading this. Dont know lar. Just wanted to say - can you stop giving me pressure? Or it is not a pressure at all cos i dont want to be your girlfriend. Get it? Stop telling me how much you likes me. Youre not the one I want so stop it, dont make me hate you k? I just want to be friends, F-R-I-E-N-D-S! If I could forget everything about him, I will get back with Bernard instead of being with someone else. And I just can't give up on him....

And you're reminding me of him everytime you told me about relationship. I wanted to cry everytime I think of him yet I'm getting real sick of it. My eyes are just stained with pain.

It seems like you want to be with me, but something about her is holding you back.

I miss you ):

Oooooooooh great! Janice lost her new phone. Fuck la. I don't know where I've misplaced it(might be somewhere in the college library's washroom) and someone has took it. I really do hope that someone who found my phone will be kind enough to send it to the student services department but sad to say, s/he never. S/he even used my number to online with my phone this morning, WTF. But no worries, I've blocked it and get myself a new simcard from DiGi this noon. My family(except my eldest bro cos he is in singapore now) went to the National Museum this morning, then my dad sent me to Times Square for the simcard thingy. I was really damn low yesterday when I lost my phone. I didn't went for the fnb class this morning as I really don't want to wake up early and go to college alone. I scare I might pour the whole main course either on Nicholas or MunYee's face. Ha ha. Joking.

Anyway, the happy news is my mum allowed me to buy a new phone again since I was so fucking moody since yesterday but I've to trade in my w810i. Should I buy s500i again? I really like the phone.. but for some reason, I scare it will haunt me again. People, any recommendation for Sony Ericsson's phone? My budget is only RM1300.

I just reached home not long ago. I've class at 8am tomorrow. Fuck la. Damn early la.. And I friggin hate it when I got the news that the fnb class is changed to Saturday for this week. Like totally damn it. Where can I find guests that is willing to come to college on Saturday? I've asked Nicholas and MunYee to be my guests and hopefully they can make it or I will ended up being a bartender again. Bartender is really fun but then I really want to try to be a server la. Ish. Don't ask me why I didn't ask my parents to go. It's a no no, okay. Ha ha.

Anyway, I'm getting real sick of my w810i so I got myself a new phone today, S500i. I like i like i like! Ha ha ha. I was supposed to get W580i but I don't like the front keypad. Heh. I didn't trade in w810i cos I wanna use it for my maxis number.

People, I think I need to force myself to bed now or I will be late for class tomorrow. Bell will not be attending classes for this week since she's still on her vacation. Sad la sad la. No one accompany me to crap all day long. I miss her already ):

Will put up some photos asap k? Check out my friendster for my new photos [:

It is time for me to accept things for what they are,

There are some things you just cannot change,

No matter how hard you try...

It is time for me to admit he's gone and try to move on.

I'm sorry to have broke your heart,

There is no way for me to just forget everything about him.

I'm sorry.

He's the only one I want to talk to..

He's the only one I want to hug..

He's the only one I want to be with this moment..

I know I've been ranting on and on about him..

But I really do miss him alot.

Although we had just been together for a week,

but I really miss the way he hugs me,

the way he smells my hair,

the way he looks at me,

I just can't help falling for him everytime I think of it.

He said he think about me when he heard the song from Utada Hikaru.

I'm glad I mean something to him.

But I have to deal with the fact that he never loved me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy,

When we flirt together, I feel bad.

Not because of myself or you,

but for your girlfriend.

I can't erase the memories we created,

and I can't replace the moments we shared,

but I can hope one day we'll make it,

because I know you've always cared.

But don't make me hate you for what you did.

I still remember that night you held me tightly...

I still remember that kiss you gave me...

I still remember the way you tickles me...

I still remember the feeling when we're holding hands...

I don't understand.

I just don't understand you anymore.

You've confused me beyond belief.

And I just realized, we can't go back to how it used to be.

I tried so hard not to msg him the whole day yesterday.

And......................

He msged me at night.

I saw him in kitchen today.

I was happy, but I don't want to see him.

I HATE THAT FEELING.

I'm getting used to my single life now, but I really do miss him. I want to msg him, I know he still cares for me, but I really want to forget everything about him cos he's not worth for me to wait so I'm trying so hard not to msg him. He still loves that girl, so there's no point for me to still like him, right? I wanted to say sorry to him cos I was rude yesterday when he was nice to me yet I don't think there's a need for me to do so. It's better for me that he won't msg me anymore. I scolded him last night to leave me alone and if he really still spare a thought for me, I hope he will gives me some time to cool down and stop msging me.

I hate you.

People are labelling me as a bitch now. Oh great! Just because of you.

Hope everythings alright for him.

Hope that he's happy without me.

I miss him ):

My new relationship has been horrible to me. Everyone said he's just fooling around with me, they said we won't last long. Yay, we just broke up today. He told me stuff that really hurts me alot. But still, I wish him luck in everything.

My friends whom will be reading this, I know you guys have been there for me when I'm down, and I know you guys are just concern about me when you guys asked me to just forget everything about this relationship since he's just a playboy and I'm just being another victim.

For now, I don't want to get into another relationship cos I think it's really troublesome to start falling in love again. I can just honestly tell you guys that I don't love him, I like him alot only. If I loved him, I will just have cut myself now and I won't be here blogging all these shits that he will never ever get to read it. I will never ever love a guy until we get into a serious relationship.

People, you're not me. So you won't understand how I feel and what I'm trying to say here. I hope I can find a guy that is serious with me one day yet I don't want it now? Urgh. Stupid me. Bernard did phoned me and he wanted to get back, but I really don't want to lie to him again. WSIS is the guy I like now and the guy I wanted to be with now, that's it. Call me stubborn. Call me stupid. Call me bodoh. Call me baka. Whichever you prefer, it's up to you. All you guys know is, I know him from friendster, I met him in college, we got together just in a few days, nah, it's not your relationship, so you won't get to know about us. So stop saying bad things about me behind. But if you still want to talk about it, then you're never a friend of mine. A friend don't critize you, a friend concerns about you.

I'm glad that me and him are still friends. I'm glad that I can take everything calmly without being immature like cutting myself, crying and begging him. What I told him is - I want to be his friend once again and start everything all over again. Cos I know we're pushing so fast and rushing into this relationship before we really get to know each other well. So ended up, I disappointed him and he disappointed me.

He still loves his ten-months-together-girlfriend......

I'm kind of ready to tell what's happening to my life these days. To be honest, I fell for another guy from my college. Yay, I know I shouldn't have. But I just can't control myself. I just broke up with Bernard last night, I didn't want to lie to him, I didn't want to keep stuffs from him cos me myself absolutely hate being lied so I totally understand how people feels when they are being lied. Bernard said my relationship with that guy won't last long so he's waiting for me, waiting for me to return to his side. I feel so guilty, I hate it. I don't want to make him cry yet he cried in front of me. I'm really sorry, to say that my feelings for that guy is more stronger. Friends have been asking me why I can just forget everything about the two years relationship. People might think that I'm a bad girl but you never know what actually had happened between Bernard and me before and I don't feel like mentioning about it now.

I'm not mentioning about the guy's name here cos he wants to keep our relationship low first. Almost all my friends in college knew that he's my boyfriend and I'm quite regretted for passing around about our relationship, cos I'm not sure whether we will last long or not. We might be breaking up any moment cos our relationship is not stable yet. I shouldn't have just blurt out that he's my boyfriend when people start to asked me when they saw both of us together. I've been requesting to meet him almost everyday when he told me before that he doesn't like his girlfriend to keep sticking to him, he wants freedom. But still I'm happy that he spent time for me these days in such a way that he left his friends behind and met me and I'm really happy when he promised me that he will be meeting me every Tuesday and Thursday after classes no matter what. My feelings for him is just so fresh and new, and I'm not sure whether I love him or not. And I really like the way he thinks, he is just so honest like me. He's being honest to tell me that his feelings for me is not to the extend of love yet. When he said "i love you", he really meant it that way. Just when both of us together, we will feel very happy. Urgh. It's so hard to start explaining stuff like that.

I really do hope that one day he will start saying that he loves me.......

Um. Life has been so packed nowadays. College, relationship, home... I don't want to blog further about it. Some people might know, some people might not know. I don't think I can go on with Bernard anymore.. that's all I can say. I think my heart has changed, just bcos......

I'm really falling for you,
I hate what you're putting me through,
What have you done to me now?
I just can't sleep at night,
My bed is wet don't know how,
Will someone please turn on the light?

I think of closing down my blog once again. Or maybe I will be be gone for a period of time. I will be back when I'm ready. When I'm ready to face my own life, when I'm ready to tell the world what's happening to me. I hate myself, seriously. I'm being bad, yay, I'm not a good girl. I hate to be lied yet I'm the one who lied. I feel like shooting myself to death but as a normal malaysian citizen, I can't own a gun. There is no shop nearby for me to get one, too.

WSIS, if you get to see this, I wanna tell you, I'm serious so I hope you're serious, too. Aah, you won't be seeing this anyway. ILY!